Life lessons through sports
There are multiple life lessons that can be learned through a properly focused athletic program. Here are a few real-life experiences.
Lesson 1 – Relish Unfairness…
Minutes before the start of the basketball game a mom approached me. I could see in her body language she was concerned about something.
“These teams are totally unfair, what are we going to do?” I glanced at the two teams warming up. My team had 7 players, all shorter than the shortest player on the other team, which had 10 players. It was hard to argue with her assessment. But I had a different perspective…
“We are missing our three tallest players, I think one is sick and the other two are out of town,” I explained.
“But this isn’t fair at all,” she repeated.
“I agree and what a great opportunity for our team to rise to the challenge, to play hard as a team and do their best in a difficult situation. I will make sure that we concentrate on our effort and attitude and not the scoreboard,” I said. “And besides, the sooner these kids learn that life is very often unfair, and that they have to learn to deal with it, the better off they will be. Don’t you agree?” I said.
“Well, I guess so,” she said, not totally buying into what I was saying.
I’ve had this conversation many times over my three-decade coaching career. Parents inherently want every situation to be fair. While unfairness, actual or perceived will provoke outrage in just about every parent, if their child’s team has an obvious advantage few will complain. In terms of character development we have this all wrong. Character is forged under fire, not by making these easy. Parents who want their children to grow up to become the best they are capable of becoming should welcome challenging situations, even unfair competition, but few are willing even to tolerate it. This can only be changed if we begin to reward effort and attitude more than we reward the outcome or final score.
Lesson 2 – Mix It Up…
As the buzzer sounded at halftime, Coach Wayne and I looked at each other. I could tell he was thinking the same thing as I was. The matchups weren’t right. We needed to swap a few players. So, right in the middle of the game that’s what we did. The second half was a battle. The lead seesawed back and forth until Wayne’s best player made two clutch baskets to help his team win by one bucket. Wayne and I knew what was coming as the teams congratulated each other. The kids joked and hugged and knew they played a great game. There was no visible difference in the kids who lost the game compared to the kids who won the game. Not so the parents.
“Which team is my son on?” the first dad asked incredulously.
“Most of the time he will be on my team,” I said.
“Why did you swap players in the middle of the game?”
“To make the matchups more challenging,” I said.
“But what team is he on?” he asked again. I could tell that our conversation wasn’t going to solve anything.
“My team,” I said again. “But we will move kids around to create different matchups and situations. Some of the kids will play multiple games depending on how many kids show up. We approach things more like a camp than a league,” I said.
“Ok, just so I know what team he is on,” the dad said as he turned and left the gym.
Kids just want to play. They are naturally resilient, adaptable, and resourceful. At least most of them are, and those that aren’t learn rather quickly. Parents, conversely, prefer structure and routine. Unfortunately, learning happens more readily in situations that are unstructured and spontaneous.
During some games, Wayne and I would put all the guards on one team and all the post players on another. The kids loved it. The posts got to handle the ball for the first time and show off their ball skills. The guards learned how to box out and how being quick, but not in a hurry could overcome a height disadvantage.
Some games we disallowed dribbling. Kids didn’t exactly love that format, but they learned to pass and cut and move without the ball.
There are all kinds of situations you can put players in that forces them to improvise and think about how to overcome challenges. By changing the situation kids started to focus on overcoming whatever we threw at them and less on the scoreboard, which is a rather shallow measure of athletic performance or skill advancement, let alone character development. The score certainly matters, but so many other things matter more.
Like what for instance? Here are a few –
Attitude –
It is something we always control, not matter what situation we are in
Effort –
Another thing we control. How hard we try is always up to us.
Sportsmanship –
There is never an excuse for poor sportsmanship, but it exists in almost every youth sports contest being played today. This needs to change. And it starts with the coaches and the philosophy of the league.
Teamwork –
Playing as a team no matter the situation takes courage, mental toughness, and great coaching.
Lesson 3 – Go For Greatness!
Kids need to be encouraged to dream big. Many don’t have a clue what this means. Some have absolutely no concept of what is possible in their life. I’ve never understood this. When I meet the parents of kids without big audacious dreams, I usually discover parents who are skeptical, pessimistic, and comparative. They are short-sighted, and struggle to envision what is possible while they readily dwell on limitations. They are quick to blame others and hypersensitive to unfairness. In these situations, it is a coach’s job to plant different seeds.
But doesn’t dreaming increase the likelihood of future disappointment? Very few kids are talented enough to achieve greatness at anything, right? Of course that is true. Not every kid can be the next Roger Federer, or the next Caitlin Clark. (Insert your favorite player in virtually any sport). Again we are approaching this all wrong. We are focusing too much on the outcome. Whether our kids make it to the NBA, or the NFL is not the point of youth sports. It’s great when it happens, but what about the other 99.9% of kids who participate in youth sports? The question we need to ask is this – How has their life changed as a result of their youth sports experience?
There are some parents who steer their kids into sports based on their race, size, or some preconceived notion of their potential to play that sport in college. Understandably so given the exorbitant cost of higher education today. The primary factor is deciding which sport a kids should play should be made by the kid. Let him or her play whatever sport they like the best. Then make sure that the coach of that sport focuses on character development first and foremost.
Lesson 4 – Act like you’ve been there before
Nick made the winning shot and his dad raced on the court and picked him up. I felt that was totally inappropriate. Why? In most athletic competitions, at all levels, when a dramatic ending occurs the first instinct of players and fans on the winning side is to celebrate. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but the extent of the celebration matters. Especially at the scholastic level, tempering the celebration until your team gets into the locker room, and showing respect and compassion for the losing team is a great way to learn and reinforce these important character traits.
As a coach, I also do not want to give the opposing team additional motivation for the rematch. Celebrations should begin in the locker room, not on the court or field.
Lesson 5 – Talk isn’t just cheap, it’s downright dangerous
My conversation with the school president was typical. Virtually every school administrator I have ever talked to is adamant that their primary focus in athletics is character development. Really? Here’s a test to see if this is really the case, or whether it is true or not.
Question 1: What is the level of participation in athletics at your school?
If it is lower than 60%, then the school isn’t doing an acceptable job putting character development at the top of the priority list. Here’s a statement that I truly believe in, but that rankles school administrators – Kids are not learning character development as the doze off in English class. Competitive team sports are hands down the best laboratory for character development. Why? Because it is dynamic, emotional, full of accomplishments and disappointments, chances for recovery, perseverance, grit, and the like. And all these things can happen in one game! Imagine a season full of practices and games all focused on challenging kids and building character? The potential for growth is virtually unlimited! With this understanding it is unacceptable to have participation rates below 60%. The goal should be 75 – 80%. Participation includes the following: players, cheerleaders, pep band, managers, statisticians, scorekeepers, timers, spirit clubs, and fundraisers. Every student should be encouraged to participate in some way and can be part of the character development driven devotions and team meetings. On the uniform of the Ohio State band member is this – BDBITL. Stands for Best Dam Band In the Land. That’s an example of character development.
Question 2: How do coaches behave during games?
In most cases you will see coaches complaining and yelling at the officials. It is just accepted behavior in sports today at all levels. It is NOT conducive to character development. Instead it shows a lack of respect, self-control and teaches kids to blame others when things don’t go their way. It is entirely outcome focused, too, which as I have stated several times, is the wrong focus for youth sports.
Question 3: How and at what level are sports integrated into the overall education experience?
In most cases this isn’t even discussed, beyond making sure that athletes have a minimum grade point average to be eligible. This is setting the bar way too low. How can you expect an athlete to give his best effort in practice if he is dogging it in the classroom? What message is this sending? That sports count more than classroom performance? Really bad message. The goal is to motivate kids to give their best effort in the classroom as well as the ball field. It’s not rocket science, but it isn’t being stressed in most situations. Again, as long as the athlete isn’t failing too many classes, he gets to play. What is that teaching him?
Lesson 6 – It’s better to be too hard on the kids than too easy on them
There is a saying that nobody ever thanked a coach for being easy on them. I think that is very true. The implication is that people routinely thank a coach for being hard on them. I think that is also very true. Why? This is the whole point of this book. Building character isn’t easy, it requires a certain degree of tough love and discipline. If you are going into coaching to be popular perhaps you should rethink it.
It was the first day of 6th grade basketball tryouts and I was the coach. We had about 20 kids show up. About 15 could play. One of the biggest and most aggressive kids had long stringy hair around often covering his eyes, requiring him to constantly push it aside. He definitely was one of the most athletic kids, but every time he got the ball he shot it, no matter where he was on the court. He rarely passed the ball during the 90-minute tryout. What was I going to do?
“Nick, you are going to have to get your hair cut if you want to continue to try out for the team,” I said after practice. A look of astonishment came over his face.
“See you tomorrow,” I said. The next day Nick showed up and hadn’t gotten a haircut.
“Nick, you will have to sit on the side today. We have one more tryout tomorrow, but you have to get your hair cut,” I said.
That evening his mom called me.
“Nick’s hair is important to him, it is part of his identity,” she said.
“Well, it is too long. It gets in his eyes, and it is dangerous to play with impaired vision,” I said.
“I just don’t think he should have to cut his hair,” she said.
“He doesn’t have to, he only has to if he wants to play basketball this season,” I said. “And just remember this, it will grow back.”
To fast forward a bit, Nick eventually cut his hair, and in high school he became an outstanding shooting guard, who could also play the point and distribute the ball. He went on to become a college assistant coach. He understood the pivotal life lesson – There is no I in TEAM. His mom eventually got it too and thanked me for caring so much about her son that I was willing to teach him an invaluable life lesson instead of letting him off easy.
Lesson 7 – Expect more than they can accomplish then love them when they fall short
One year I was coaching a U9 team, made up primarily of a few neighborhood kids. In no way were we an all-star or elite travel team that are ubiquitous today. Two games from that season were memorable and reinforced our character development philosophy. We played one game against the Salisbury Kings, the defending U8 national champions. They were amazing. Their shortest player was taller than our tallest, and they were incredibly athletic. We had absolutely no chance. This was my pregame speech…
“I want bounce passes only and ball fakes before each pass. Be strong with the ball and run the plays every time down the court. Be aggressive and play as hard as you can.”
Our team went out on the court and played a wonderful, spirit-filled first half. We had only 3 or 4 turnovers, made some nice bounce passes and protected the ball well. Overall, I couldn’t have been more pleased with their effort, courage and discipline. At the half we were down 44 – 2.
Despite the score, I told the kids how proud of them I was. How well they competed and that I expected them to fight on each possession for the entire second half. Which they did.
After the game we went to a local Chick fil A which was incredibly crowded. We all got our food and grabbed the only remaining table at which to eat. Just before I sat down I noticed an elderly couple holding their trays, an exasperated look on their faces. The man had one of those Navy veteran hats on, black with gold lettering. Another great opportunity for a life lesson. I walked over to the couple and said, “I have a table for you right over here.” I told the kids to get up and let the elderly couple sit down. We then went into the parking lot and had an impromptu tailgate lunch. The kids had a blast. We talked about honoring veterans and looking out for elderly people wherever we go. It was a great day.
Why do some kids rise to the challenge against seemingly insurmountable odds while others are mentally defeated before the game even begins? Nothing worthwhile can be accomplished if you can’t envision doing it before you even try.
Parents, once again, are often the culprits. Some are so fearful of seeing their kid fail, or even be uncomfortable. Over-protective parents rob kids of opportunities to develop character. Beyond that, no failure is final unless you give up. Even when facing the giants, like the Salisbury Kings, competing with all you got, teaches you that the outcome isn’t the most important measurement. Learning courage, discipline and teamwork are far more important in the long run. Then, when you face another challenging situation perhaps a bit less daunting than the Salisbury Kings, you know that you have a chance to win. Iron sharpens iron, as the bible tells us.
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